It's Okay To Be Okay

     Maybe it's because nobody told me it was okay, to be alone, to be just me.  Maybe it's because I never stopped hurting, and I never got the chance to go numb.  Maybe it's because I don't have a friend or a hand to hold out here in the middle of falling down.  Maybe that is what this life is for, to sit here with my broken heart and just watch it go by.  Maybe that is why I'm slowly going crazy and why my head is filled with all  these pointless maybe's.

     I remember when you told me, if you could have one wish it would be that when we are gone everybody who knew us would look back and say "He always made her so happy."  Don't you know you aren't supposed to tell your wishes?  When you tell someone your wish, it doesn't come true.  

     Sometimes, I want to hate you for everything you did to try help me become a better person.  I want to hate you for encouraging me, for making me believe I deserve to be treated well, for giving me the strength to look at myself and not hate what I see inside and out, and for making me always wear my damn seat-belt.  I want to destroy everything that you loved, everything that we loved together, but it was all the same things that I loved before I knew you so I would have nothing left if it were all gone.  Instead, it all haunts me with the memories of you.

     You gave me up to save yourself and I get it.  But what you don't realize as you flipped the switch and expect everything to be okay again is that I am not like all the other girls.  I am like you.  You wouldn't take someone back after they broke your heart.  We don't give people second chances to hurt us.  What you did, hurt us.  As hard as I tried to hang on, as much as I tried to love for the both of us, it wasn't enough.  I just got tired of being beat down every day that I hoped you would come back.  

     You gave me confidence.  You made me realize I was in control.  You helped me build this solid wall and firmly wrap my hand around my damaged soul.  

     Maybe I do want to break away all this armor I've put on to protect myself from you.  Maybe I do want to jump into your arms and tell you I forgive you, I still love you every bit as much as I did back then.  Maybe I want to feel the heat of your breath as we lay in bed whispering our secret words to each other through the night.  Maybe I want to give you another chance to destroy me.  Maybe I don't.   Maybe I don't want to let you wreck my life.  Maybe I realized all by myself that it's okay to be just me, that it's okay to be okay.