Not Ready To Be LovedWarm hands caress my skin, and send chills through my body.I shudder in the darkness but my shaking only encourages him.He leans in and softly kisses me and I turn away in disgust.Lonely eyes plead for my affection I can't stand to look anymore.As he confesses his love for me I sigh I am just not ready to be loved."I've missed you" this one claims it's been weeks since I broke his heart."Holding you, kissing you, making love" romantic words that conjure sickness inside.He talks of his honesty, his loyalty, his devotion he is a good man, this I know to be true.He cries that he is so lonely without me and I feel like I should care.He tells me he loves me with all of his heart but I am just not ready to be loved.This last one is the most difficult to resist because I could have loved him back.I went to him in sadness and let
Minor DiscomfortPromises of no pain passthrough lying learned lips.Seconds seem to slowas the body begins to bleed.The tools used to torturecontinue to contract and cut.No end, no escape, no alleviationscreaming seldom stops anguish.Death-wishes devour daydreamsunder an ultraviolet nightmare.
Dreams And DiseaseEmbraced infant-like night time napsAs was brought forth fantastic fantasyIt was heavenly happinessDreaming of my love like my love was hereDeception roused me, if only I'd knownWaking up wouldn't have been an optionDisorientation and fatigue are symptomaticThe perfect pill that heals can currently killWaiting for the poisonWorse before better, near death before lifeSlow decay in the brain, forgotten feelingsSlight sight sends my sleeping mind deeperWelcome delicious darkness it's been too longEnter me and induce the inability to feelExhaustion defeats emotionI fear mornings wake as descending drift I takeMy dear dream disappears, he is nowhere nearMarried to misery, maybe this was meant to be
5 years and 26 daysThere is coldness on my side of his bed that can’t be warmed by his heat. Lying next to him is like lying naked in the arms of a stranger. There is no love, no passion, only regret. I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin and run as far away as possible. His soft kisses and promises of eternal devotion give me a sick feeling in my stomach. When he looks at me I cry, because I can see how much this wonderful man loves me, and I know I can never feel the same. There is nothing left of my heart to give to anyone.It’s the same story, over and over and over. They ask why, “Why won’t you talk to me? Why won’t you open up? Why are you so cold?”Do not know me. There is nothing to know. Laugh with me, play with me, enjoy me; but do not love me. Do not expect me to love you; it only makes me angry when you do.I hate that I know it has been 5 years and 26 days since I first said
The Lies Are All We Have LeftEight months of untouched pill bottles that once stood proudly on the shelf like trophies, now mock the stubbornness that led to my deterioration. Staring at them in shame I admit how stupid I have been. Curled up on the floor in pain as this infection rages inside my body I beg for it to stop hurting. I no longer care why; all I want is for it to stop hurting. I promise I will be good from now on. I promise I will take all my pills. I promise I will only think about what I have and not what I have lost. Just, somebody, make this pain go away. Please.A dozen first kisses later, and his is still the only one that matters. Even when he stopped mattering, that moment still did. It was the first time, since before being a broken child, that I let myself fully trust and have faith in another person. A monumental moment matters, despite what may happen afterwards. Five years of friendship, erased as if it never existed
Im Angry Im Not Letting GOBreathless whispers of perfection before parting keep her warm in the cold air.The sweet sting of his lips, hard against hers reminds her of what is real.His smell surrounds her body after spending the night in his bed, in his arms.She misses him already, but the next day she can’t answer when he calls.Fairy tales describe princes as tall, dark and handsome, and that is what he is.He cries out to her, begging her to let him save her and make her his queen.On his knees before her he pleads, “Let yourself fall, give me a chance, love me.”She holds his face in her hands, bites her lip to keep from saying yes, and walks away.He is like nobody she has ever known and he is like everything she has ever loved.He questions why she is being so distant and she tells him she doesn’t mean to be.With him, pleasure engulfs her body but pain burns her heart and she hides her tears.“I love you.” He cries out to her. The words numb her soul, as she sl