Only A Little SelfishThis isn’t just about me, it’s not about how long it takes for a broken heart to heal. It’s not about promises and lies, whether words and feelings were pretend or real.This isn’t about dwelling on “once upon a times” that didn’t end happily ever after.It’s not about missing the way he called me “babydoll” or dreaming of his laughter.This is not about crying over a friendship lost after it had lasted for so many years.What it’s about are the innocent eyes that have been witness to all of those tears.Yes I admit once I dreamed that he and I could give them a happy wonderful home.But everything went wrong and now he is gone so I have to teach them love alone.I’ll show them amazing things and teach them to achieve those things themselves.And they will grow up knowing that happy endings don’t come from someone else.
A Fairytale... EndingLast year began with an amazing startKissing my true love in the winter rainBut early spring brought me a broken heartMy love did not want to see me againThis tortured soul could not handle the acheLashing on myself with infernal hateI knew my love wanted for me to breakAnd I wanted to please my sweet soul mateAs month after month brought tear after tearMy sad heart had suffered enough despairWhen the world celebrated this New YearI stood alone in midnights frozen air A solid promise to the stars above This year I resolve not to fall in love
I caught a fleeting glimpseI can’t believe my messed up brain, the absurdity in being positive again.But this girl is surely not so blind, and every story has at least two sides.Just remember at first it was me, who said that we could never be.And you promised me it was okay, and that no matter what you’d stay.The lie that friendship was enough, until "just friends" became too tough.But romantic notions strung me along, until the day it all went wrong.Until the moment you held me tight, turning my insides out, and black to white.The second you let go I knew it was the end, and once again, I had lost my friend.I had so hoped that your lies were true, and I wanted so much to believe in you.Pretending to be so sweet to me, saying things I didn't want to believe.I wasn't ready for how you made me feel, but I desperately wanted it to be real.L
Things That I Love To PretendThat I don't care what other people think of me.That I can take whatever you've got.That I find it harder to love than hate.That I can change the world.That I can change something.That I can heal people who are sad.That I am always right.That I have some sort of talent... in something.That I am a rock-star!That I am not as smart as I really am.That I don't have to breathe just cause everyone does.That I don't have to do anything I don't want to do.That I am selfish.That I don't care about everybody.That I don't have nightmares about "that night" anymore.That I'm brave enough to face him again.That I have never broke anyone's heart.That I can take a punch.That I have never cheated.That I am not afraid of anything.That I'm over him.That I deserve better.That I deserve anything.That I mean anything.That one day, I will be happy.
One Year Later What I remember like it was yesterday seems like it was a lifetime ago. As the hour, the exact moment draws closer; painful, wonderful memories engulf me. I was so afraid. He was the one person I never wanted to lose. My shoulder, my laughter, my only companion, and this moment a year ago broke it all. The first man who ever broke my heart told me that it hurt him too much to love me. I hated myself for causing pain to someone I cared for so deeply. I promised myself I would never hurt anybody again by letting them love me. As the years went by this was the rule I lived by. I could be with anyone, as long as that person could not love me. When I first met my last love, all those years ago, I did everything wrong. I didn’t mean to. At first I was just protecting myself because I thought he was someone that he was not.
An Hour With You It’s that feeling you get when you hear an old favorite song; the song that stops the world from spinning twice as fast; the song that makes you sit back and close your eyes and feel safe, feel comforted, feel nothing but the familiar beat. Like the song, you take me to a time and place when I didn’t feel pain or panic. I can’t remember when or where, it’s been so long, but I slightly recognize the sensation. Your hand on mine filled me with a kind of warmth that could kill the deepest of chills. I could have fallen asleep from your soothing touch. Your fingertips on my skin gifted me with the belief that it’s okay to shut my eyes and dream of good things again. Oh and your arms. I’ve never wanted to stay in the same place forever until I was in your arms. When you speak to me, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I choke back the tears as I wonder how
Part 1: AnticipationHe takes me to a place where fear is a thrill, where my heart beats fast and I can’t sit still.Expectations cause goose bumps on my skin, and I can’t wait for each new day to begin.I think about his smile, his beautiful lips, but his eyes are what really get me going like this.I could stare at those eyes for the rest of my days, and make him smile in so many ways.For right now he and I are only pretend, it’s like a lottery dream that I don’t want to end.Never checking my ticket to see that I’ve lost, but possible rewards are so worth the cost.I stop the worry and take my own advice, bad things will happen but you have to live life.So I hold my breath and bite my lip, and I anxiously anticipate the next part of this trip.