Mistress

I thought I could handle it.
See, I've been chasing empty for so long, trying so hard not to feel.  I figured the safest place to be was in the arms of someone I could never love.  That is how I ended up somewhere I never wanted to be in order to save myself.

It didn't work, bad ideas never do.  I spent tonight next to him, but only thinking of you.  I waited, staring at my phone, for you to talk to me.  For something sweet to let me know the only one I care about still cares about me.  You didnt, you couldn't, you wont amd it hurts but I understand.  So I tried to cry myself to sleep as I laid next to this man.  

My mind kept me awake, as did thr neon lights flashing outside the window and the hooker  moaning in the next room.  I am not judging her though.  I have no room to do so.  Look at me, look what I have done.  But I am worse, I am worse because my heart belongs to someone else and I  still let him love me.  I let him love me but I am only woth him because I can't be with you and it's killing me.  I hate myself for that... and for so many other things.

I don't want this man even though he tells me the things you wont say.  I don't want to sleep with this man who tells me how beautiful and adored I am.  I don't want to wake up with this man who wakes up every other morning next to his wife.  I do not want this, and so in the middle of the night I silently slip away... I'm sorry.

And now I sit by myself shivering in my house, writing this at 2am amd thinking of you.  I'm wondering if you ever think about me too.  And I am wishing so desperately that I had figured out how to be empty.  But sadly that is not me, and I need to learn how to live with this misery.  I am completely alone, but I now know I would rather be that way the rest of my life than be with anyone but you.  

Happy birthday to me.