I Just Want To Be Happy Again

I had to laugh at myself tonight as I held my head under water  for as long as I could stand it.  This wasn't the first time I wondered what it would feel like to drown.  Am I that unoriginal or do I just keep pressing rewind and making the same mistakes over and over?

I used to be one of those people who hated the thought of being lonely but now the more time I spend by myself, the more sense I make.  I just want someone to say it's okay.  Tell me I can do it all on my own.

I know I haven't always been good.  Sometimes I am mean, and I have hurt people in retaliation for the times others have hurt me.  It wasn't right, whatever the reason.  But I believe I have paid for my mistakes with a guilt that most people will never know.  I continue to pay each day, to the point where I often wonder if I will ever have peace or if i even deserve it.

It's all I feel, guilt and pain.  Once upon a time I could love.  And I loved with a depth I never imagined could exist.  It left me though, that amazing love.  He took it all, my entire heart, so the guilt and the pain were all I had left and all I could feel.

He still teases me.  He holds my heart in front of me, dangling from a string in front of my face.  And I chase it.  And I am so dumb.  I chase it because I desperately want to feel something besides the guilt and besides the pain.  I chase it like a fool, when somewhere inside me I know what I should really do.  I should turn and walk away. 

I don't need him.  I don't need my heart.  I can be alone.