Caught Beneath the Landslide

Sometimes, I thank God that I cannot smile.  Days like today, happy would just be too difficult to fake.  I'm not depressed, I'm just in pain.  Depression is a mental disorder, and pain is what happens when you get hurt.  I am hurting a lot lately, but that is life.  Isn't it?

Life is being terrified.  It is wondering every night if tomorrow will be the day that the guy you live with finally kills you.  You don't want to die but sometimes you just wish he would go ahead and do it so you won't have to suffer anymore.  And the people you confide to, they don't understand.  It's easy to say it, but you can't be the reason your kids father is locked up.  What would that do to them?

Life is when the one person you loved more than anything tells you that you would make a good whore, because you want attention.  Then you beat yourself up for saying you needed attention when what you really wanted was attention from him.  He hides that piece of yourself you gave to him and you couldn't get it back if you wanted to.  Yet without it, you are incomplete.

Life is what happens when you sit by the phone waiting for your test results to come back so you can find out how much of your body the cancer has destroyed this time.  It doesn't end.  Not Ever.  They cut you and then they poison you and then they cut you and then they poison you, over and over and over.  But you never fucking die, because that would be too easy.  And life is not easy.  

Life is bills you can't pay.  Life is people you can't stand.  Life is desires you can't afford.  Life is dreams that never come true and nightmares that do.  

It's not all bad though.  Once in awhile something happens that makes you stop feeling sorry for yourself and realize you really are lucky to be alive.  Today is just one of those days where the good stuff didn't happen and I feel buried and suffocated under all the bad.