Just a guyYou are just someone I know.Just a guy by MySocksRock
With hurting hearts afraid to beat let alone love,
we walk cautiously through each day on guard.
And we tiptoe around the questions...
Should we? Could we? Would we?
No. No. Yes.
The word “friend” means safety.
Unattached, free, unbreakable.
I don't want to break,
I don't want to break you.
Does it even matter if we are already broken?
I don't know.
We don't walk hand in hand like friends.
And my friends don't look into my eyes,
or hold me, or kiss me like you do.
A friend is not the reason I smile in my sleep.
Are we more than friends? Could we be?
No. I just can't be.
I know what it's like to lose the most incredible loves.
To watch hope die, and feel the betrayal.
Love is a beautiful risk,
but I am too much of a coward to take it again.
I am just a heartbroken girl.
And you are just a guy.
I Hate YouHave I ever told you how much I hate your face?I Hate You by MySocksRock
I hate the way you look at me, the way we look at each other.
I hate blue eyes.
Your eyes disgust me.
I can't stand it when we talk and I look into them,
and you look back into mine and...
I hate it when you kiss me.
I hate the way your lips feel.
I hate your arms around me.
I don't feel safe, or happy, or loved in your embrace.
I hate feeling like I'm the only girl in the world
or at least the only one who matters.
I hate that you saved me,
and that you are my superhero.
But most of all...
I hate when we talk for hours.
I hate when you call me cute silly names.
I hate when you sing to me.
I hate that we laugh so much.
I hate that you told me we make everything fun together.
I hate that it's true.
I really hate your eyes though.
I just... hate you.
|More than just a life I was trapped in... it became my "normal"|
Sometimes, when pain is all you know... you stop trying to run from it.
(This is just a partial view of this poem by the way)
What can I say?|
I love toes and bullet-holes.
and of course...
I am the Queen of Awesomeness.
One night, many years ago I went to a party at a friends house. Her newest boyfriend, who would later become her husband (and then her e-husband) was there. I met him for the first time that night and spent hours talking to him. My friend later told me that after spending time with me he had only one comment. He said that I was the most unappreciated person he had ever met.
Those of you who know me fairly well know that I have been through a lot. I have seen a lot. I have experienced things what I wouldn't even want my worst enemies to have nightmares about. People always say that pain makes you stronger, but I don't know if I agree with that. I don't think I am strong. In fact I almost have to laugh at how weak I truly am.
However, one thing that all this pain has taught me is how to appreciate others and to never take anything for granted. So yes, I do try to see the positive side of things. Even the things that torture me. And when I feel grateful, I show it. Maybe I do put people on pedestals they are uncomfortable with. That is how I show my appreciation. I am thankful, and I want to show it because I know how it feels to not matter. I don't know how to not be grateful.
I grew up with a parent who constantly blamed me for everything. My dad wasn't around, but because I was too young to understand why, I still loved him. My mother hated that so she took all of her anger at him out on me. My brother and sister barely remembered him so they were perfect in her eyes. I was the horrible one. And as we got older, I didn't want my brother and sister to know the pain of feeling our mothers disappointment. So I always took the blame for everything that happened. I guess after being though of as a horrible person by your own mother for your entire life... maybe you start to become a horrible person.
I have done things I am ashamed of, things I wish I could go back in time and change. The only reasoning I have is that when you feel nothing, you hurt yourself so you can at least feel something. And then when you hurt, you just push yourself to feel nothing again. It's a cycle. And when you are in that frame of mind... nothing matters.
I grew up and got into a relationship with someone just like my mother. Someone who blamed me for everything. He has been in my life for nearly 19 years now. And for the past 19 years, everything has been my fault. I don't know how to not feel at fault, I don't know how to not be sorry, I don't know how to not be in an abusive relationship.
It kills me to see other people in pain.
I hate hearing their sad stories because all I want is to take the hurt away
and to feel it myself instead.
My oldest friends, they know.
The know the reason I am the way I am,
because they have been there with me through it all.
I don't want you to know me like that.
I don't want you to know the things I've seen.
I don't want you to know those things exist.
But you will never see me for who I am this way.
You will never know why I am me.
You will never know why I love the way I love,
or why I fear the way I fear.
You will never understand me.
And maybe it's just better this way.
All I can do is hide... everything.