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MySocksRock
Queen Awesome
United States
What can I say?
I love toes and bullet-holes.



and of course...

I am the Queen of Awesomeness.

I don't know how not to be

Journal Entry: Mon Mar 23, 2015, 6:57 AM

One night, many years ago I went to a party at a friends house. Her newest boyfriend, who would later become her husband (and then her e-husband) was there. I met him for the first time that night and spent hours talking to him. My friend later told me that after spending time with me he had only one comment. He said that I was the most unappreciated person he had ever met.


Those of you who know me fairly well know that I have been through a lot. I have seen a lot. I have experienced things what I wouldn't even want my worst enemies to have nightmares about. People always say that pain makes you stronger, but I don't know if I agree with that. I don't think I am strong. In fact I almost have to laugh at how weak I truly am.


However, one thing that all this pain has taught me is how to appreciate others and to never take anything for granted. So yes, I do try to see the positive side of things. Even the things that torture me. And when I feel grateful, I show it. Maybe I do put people on pedestals they are uncomfortable with. That is how I show my appreciation. I am thankful, and I want to show it because I know how it feels to not matter. I don't know how to not be grateful.


I grew up with a parent who constantly blamed me for everything. My dad wasn't around, but because I was too young to understand why, I still loved him. My mother hated that so she took all of her anger at him out on me. My brother and sister barely remembered him so they were perfect in her eyes. I was the horrible one. And as we got older, I didn't want my brother and sister to know the pain of feeling our mothers disappointment. So I always took the blame for everything that happened. I guess after being though of as a horrible person by your own mother for your entire life... maybe you start to become a horrible person.


I have done things I am ashamed of, things I wish I could go back in time and change. The only reasoning I have is that when you feel nothing, you hurt yourself so you can at least feel something. And then when you hurt, you just push yourself to feel nothing again. It's a cycle. And when you are in that frame of mind... nothing matters.


I grew up and got into a relationship with someone just like my mother. Someone who blamed me for everything. He has been in my life for nearly 19 years now. And for the past 19 years, everything has been my fault. I don't know how to not feel at fault, I don't know how to not be sorry, I don't know how to not be in an abusive relationship.


It kills me to see other people in pain.

I hate hearing their sad stories because all I want is to take the hurt away

and to feel it myself instead.

My oldest friends, they know.

The know the reason I am the way I am,

because they have been there with me through it all.

I don't want you to know me like that.

I don't want you to know the things I've seen.

I don't want you to know those things exist.

But you will never see me for who I am this way.

You will never know why I am me.

You will never know why I love the way I love,

or why I fear the way I fear.

You will never understand me.

And maybe it's just better this way.

All I can do is hide... everything.



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LOL @ my new webcam pic.  Well... go LOL at it dammit!

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:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2015  Student Writer
:love: Thanks for the favourite, queen :)
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:iconproject-remnant:
Project-Remnant Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2015  Student Writer
Thank you for the fave 
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:iconedensilence:
EdenSilence Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2015  New member Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the favourite.
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:iconhockeymask:
hockeymask Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2015
Thanks for the watch and the fave !!!!! 
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:iconpriscillascloud:
PriscillasCloud Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the fave. :)
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