"Always pray to have eyes that see the best, a heart that forgives the worst, a mind that forgets the bad, and a soul that never loses faith."
I do pray for those things and I try to practice them as well.
About a month and a half ago I went through something pretty terrible. I didn't want to talk about it here, or anywhere really. I had my therapist to talk to. But the situation could have been a lot worse than it was. Earlier that day I had promised myself I would tell Robby that I never wanted him to speak to me again. I was just sick of him playing games with my heart. One minute trying to lead me on and then the next pushing me away.
But that night, he was the one who saved me. I had nowhere else to turn, so I turned to him and he was there for me.
I didn't expect anything to come from it, I was just grateful he helped me. And I realized that I could still be his friend.
However, after that night he started to tell me things I wasn't sure I was ready to hear. Things like how sorry he was and how he knew he had made a huge mistake the day he walked away from me.
Then one afternoon he and I were shopping together for some parts to fix my sink. He asked me then if our friendship was okay with me. I told him I was fine with it, but I asked what he was going to do when he found a woman who he wanted to date. I asked if he would just push me away again. He told me that he hoped eventually I would agree to date him again.
I told him that I needed more than an apology. I needed to understand. And that is something I have been working on since. I needed closure on the situation before I could ever trust him again. And that is something he cannot give me because he doesn't have it himself.
He said there was never another woman... I am not sure if I fully believe that. I know he didn't sleep with anyone else but I don't know if he had feelings for someone else. He says it was all just his head messing with him because of his PTSD. Which I do understand, sort of. And he has been going to counseling since, he says that should prove to me that he is trying. He says he wants to prove that he is still the man I fell in love with.
Things are different now between us. Not in a bad way, except that I am having a hard time with the trust part. I want to very badly. I want to trust him again. But I know there will be a point (hopefully sooner than later) where I will have to either tell him I do trust him... or I don't. And if I don't... that is it.
He says he will spend the rest of his life if he has to, showing me that he loves me and that I can trust him. But men... they say a lot of things.
I've been trying to just spend time with him and see how things go. And so far things have gone well.
Yes I still love him. It is not that deep desperate love that I once had for him though. But maybe that is a good thing because now I no longer keep silent when I am feeling bad about something, and me telling him what bothers me has helped him become better at not doing those things that bother me. I still worry but he has been a lot more open and honest with me about everything... as much as he can be at least.
Nobody makes me smile like he does...
That was actually a funny picture because I tried to take it three times and he kept moving or talking each time... I looked awesome in the first pics but we had to retake cause of him! Then right before this last one he leaned down to kiss my cheek and the wind blew in our faces and we both ended up eating my hair. (I was trying not to laugh in the pic) So that was a keeper.
Anyway, I suppose time will tell where this will lead, but meanwhile it is nice to spend time with him again. I missed his friendship.
Hope you all are doing well.